


Crooks and Crimes and Alarani

by Elfy (elfowlgirl)



Category: Thrilling Intent (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Friendship, Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 06:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6040902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfowlgirl/pseuds/Elfy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang is hired by a strange man to visit an even stranger Order in the land of Altreia. Role reversal AU. Oneshot. (Originally posted to Tumblr on March 31, 2015)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crooks and Crimes and Alarani

Inien sat on the large rock just outside the building, putting her above even Kyl'il in height as she relaxed in the way that she was wont to do. Spellbook held tightly under one arm, she cleared her throat and addressed the group. “Well, it only took a week of careful planning and keeping you lot away while construction was done, but now we can finally celebrate the proper opening of the Nine Shrines bar. Though I’m still not convinced that Colvin didn’t mangle the translation… Why are you even here, Colvin?”

Colvin frowned. “Considering I was with the group last week and you weren’t, I thought it only fitting to join you and celebrate! This is as much their work as it is mine.”

“Except I used _their_ money to pay for it,” Inien replied.

“Yeah, and we’re friends!” Dont slung one arm around the sorcerer’s shoulder. Colvin turned to her and beamed.

“A week of bizarre adventure, and even strangerer adventurers,” Kyl’il agreed, swiftly changing the topic. “Remind me to never go to Alaran again.”

“I thought it was pretty nice, actually! Meeting all those new people… wait, we can go in, then?” Dont chirped, grinning merrily, almost knocking Colvin over in excitement. “Hooray! Someone get some rum to celebrate!”

At the looks the others gave her, she pouted. “What? I only have a little… it’s good! I’m sturdier than you might think!”

 _I’m sure you are._ Charoth wandered over to the entrance, and carefully maneuvered their stick to catch on the door’s handle. They pulled back on it, and the door opened to the newly renovated bar.

There was, of course, a moment of confusion on the group’s part when they saw a man on the far side of the room, sitting at the counter, sipping absentmindedly on a bottle of alcohol.

He was rather intimidating at first glance - black hair slicked back, eyes narrowed into a lasting glare, white collar popped and silver bracelets hanging from each hand. Inien seemed to not care, sweeping forward until she stood but an inch away. “And who, exactly, are you?” she demanded of the stranger.

To his credit, he didn’t flinch, locking eyes with the witch’s angry amber. “I’m Thog.” He took another swig of his drink.

Colvin assumed a battle stance, and Kyl’il stood up slightly straighter, but Dont seemed to not care as she bounded forward. “Hi! I’m Dont!” She gave him a cheery smile. Thog’s mouth twitched ever so slightly.

 _If you’re going to fight, do it outside. We literally just renovated,_ Charoth pitched in.

“And what exactly are you doing here, _Thog?_ How’d you even get in?”

Thog seemed unintimidated. “Well, for one, you don’t have a back door.” He nodded his head towards the opening in the back wall. “And I’m _assuming_ this is the Nine Shrines Adventuring Agency?”

_It is. Do you have a job for us?_

“I do.” He gave a nod to the smallest spiritfolk before looking back at Inien. “And if you could get out of my face…”

Inien huffed and took a step back.

“Is that ours, or did you bring the alcohol yourself?” Kyl’il asked in a calm tone.

“I brought it. Didn’t know what kinda shit you’d have in a place that just opened.” He swirled the bottle. “Couldn’t’ve drunk this much in a couple minutes, anyhow.”

_What kind of job do you have for us?_

“Well,” he reached into his vest, and pulled out a roll of paper. “I’m from Alaran -”

The group visibly bristled.

“-  and there, we deal with the trading of… _assets._ ”

“Slavery.” The spirit of fire said bluntly.

“You could call it that. Anyway, there’s a group of Paladins in the land of Altreia… ‘The Order of Verandeer’, they’re called. They bought talent from us, but ended up not paying. I need to get my money.”

“That’s it?” Inien raised an eyebrow. “Why not just assemble a gang of your thugs or whatever it is you Alarani do?”

“The Order of Verandeer has golems. As… _competent_ as some of our thugs are, they can’t do much against a well-built golem. And as competent as _I_ am, a gun doesn’t do well against solid stone. That’s where you come in.” Thog held out the roll of paper to Inien. “Here’s a contract, already written. Though before we get started with that, I’d like to know all _your_ names.”

“Ethos Colvin Jung,” Colvin proudly introduced himself.

“I am Kyl’il,” she gave a slight inclination of her head.

“Er - I already said it but - Dont. Pigbat extraordinaire!”

_Charoth._

“And I’m Inien.” The witch took the paper from Thog, skimming quickly through the fine print. “…Hm. Acceptable. Conditions about lack of payment, loss of gold, personal artifacts…”

Colvin peered over her shoulder. “Wait, this guy is worth _two million gold?!_ ”

“You’d be surprised what some people will pay. We should either retrieve him, or get the money he’s worth. They also owe the Altreian government a certain artifact known as the ‘head of Verandeer.’ If we can obtain that and hand it over the Alarani government, it could open some more trade, better relations, all that.” He drained the last of the bottle. “So that’s our secondary goal.”

 _Mhm_. Charoth looked at Inien. _What about Aesling?_

Inien absentmindedly waved a hand. “What about her? She’s probably off with Markus or Gregor or one of them. So long as she stays out of the bar, I don’t care.”

“Yeah, now that she’s not all -” Dont did jazz hands “- she should be fine. Gregor and Markus are both super nice.”

 _I suppose._ They fiddled with their staff. _So we’ll be leaving immediately?_

“If that’s good for you guys, yeah. Altreia’s not too far from here. A couple days by ship at most.”

Inien rolled up the parchment. “We can set sail in the morning.”

—

“ _This_ is the guy they paid for?” Dont looked at the figure incredulously. “How could he be worth even a _quarter_ of a million gold?!”

“Hey!” The man on the far side of the workshop spun around, frowning. He gripped a wrench in one hand, goggles over his eyes, a multitude of tools at his belt. “You don’t look so good yourselves, covered in all that rotten gunk. …Wait, who are you and what’re you doing here? You don’t look like Paladins.”

“We had to go through the mess hall,” the pigbat grumbled and picked a piece of lettuce out of her hair.

“We’ve been sent to retrieve either you or the money you’re worth.” Kyl’il explained.

The engineer crossed his arms. “I… think they might’ve spent it already. On alcohol. This place is terrible! I can’t drink because I need to have a clear mind to work on…” he trailed off, looking at the half-assembled devices on the table. “But it’s also great here! I get to build and invent! They needed _somebody_ to fix their golems! I gave one a robotic arm!”

As Thog grit his teeth and grabbed for his belt, Charoth turned his head towards the Alarani in a way that might’ve resembled a glare. _We can come back for him later. We need the money, or the head, at the very least._

“Oh! …I’m not supposed to let anybody through here. Captain’s orders.” The man eyed the ladder that lead up from the workshop. “So…”

The group all exchanged looks. “Before we beat you up,” Dont asked politely, “can we at least have your name?”

The man struck a pose. “Kier Fiyore, master inventor and almost-but-not-quite-Paladin-in-training!”

As Thog reached to retrieve his gun, Kier swiftly pulled something off his belt and chucked it at them, then dropped the rest of the similar devices to the floor. The first tiny ball exploded in a puff of fire and smoke, so close to Thog that it almost burnt his eyebrows off.

Blindly, he fired anyway, missing Kier by inches. “Haha!” He struck another pose. “See? They’ve been training me! I know how to use a sword, now, too!” He drew the greatsword that was strapped to his back, holding it steadily in both gloved hands.

Charoth uneasily gripped their staff, looking at the rest of the group as if waiting for a signal. Dont moved first - she dove at Kier, pulling her daggers from her belt and gripping them tightly as she headed for him. He expertly blocked them with the enormous sword, then gave a slight kick to one of the balls on the floor. Dont ducked out of the way as the bomb headed for her, shielding herself with both hands as it burst on impact with the ceiling and showered her in debris.

Inien stood, waiting in the back of the room and flipping patiently through her spellbook. At Thog’s glare, she shrugged. “You all seem to have it more than handled… unless you’re actually having _trouble_.”

Kyl’il summoned a ball of fire, before tossing it in Kier’s direction. He blocked it easily with the blade of his sword.

As the Alarani fumbled to reload, Charoth pointed their staff at Kier, waiting as streaks of energy danced along the end. A bright spark shot towards the engineer, who moved out of the way, then sent another bomb right at the tiny spiritfolk. They sent it rebounding with a well-placed swipe of their staff, much like a game that had not yet been invented, where it promptly exploded in Kier’s face and knocked him off his feet.

“…I’m glad I was wearing goggles for once,” he mumbled from the ground. “Ow. Alright, alright, you guys can go through! I surrender! If Aften asks, I fought til the last breath. And something about necromancy.”

—

“Aften,” Kyl’il addressed the Captain, “you are a drunk lunatic. An army of golems to _usurp the kingdom?_ That’s - we’ve destroyed a good chunk of your golems! You can only have so many Paladins, and so many golems _per_ Paladin. What happens if the golems decide they don’t want to help you anymore?”

“It’s fine,” he slurred from his throne. “Y’see, we’ve been building them without emotions! So it’s not like they’re gonna really care or anything. And when a Paladin dies and their golems go rabid, we can just cut ‘em up and make new ones! Er, the golems, not the Paladins.”

 _Not to mention you’re just leaving all of this Aeos laying around._ Charoth pointedly walked up to one of the cauldrons. … _The urge to do something terrible is strong._

“If you transform, you’ll wreck the building…” Dont warned.

 _I know. That’s_ bad _. But this idea is_ terrible. They looked at the horde of golems and Paladins. _Last chance to surrender. Anyone?_

Kier raised his hand from the corner. “Me! I lost once already. My ears are still ringing. Fiyore out.” He quickly darted out the door of the throne room. Dont pointedly dragged Thog and Inien out with her and Kyl’il followed.

Charoth waited for another moment, then stuck their staff into the nearest cauldron. It began to vibrate, the light at the end growing bright and sparking wildly.

A brilliant flash enveloped the room.

—

 _Kyl’il_ , Charoth stifled a giggle, still somewhat weary from the overwhelming Aeos, _you have a bit of clay… everywhere._

“Shouldn’ta been facing the room when the explosion went off!” Dont chirped.

“I’m aware, Dont.” The spirit held one hand to her face before a flume of fire erupted from it. The clay slowly began melting off, small puddles trickling down to the stone floor. “I do not like golems.”

“No one does.” Thog grumbled as they walked back into the room, Kier trailing carefully after them. “Thankfully, no one here is strong enough to do more than one or two at a time. I’ve seen whole _hordes_ of rabid golems…”

A few of the Paladins peered out from their hiding places. Many lay unmoving, though it was hard to tell who was dead and who was unconscious. Broken golems dotted the floor like gravestones. Aften had been shielded by some - his eyes were closed, but his breathing was evident.

Dont picked up Verandeer from the side table, who still appeared to have whatever silencing spell placed on him. He beamed appreciatively.

“Well, they spent all of the money. And most of them are dead.” Inien looked around the room. “We’ve got the head, and we can at least loot their corpses, but…”

 _We can split the money that Verandeer will get us, right?_ Charoth looked at Thog.

“The contract’s off.” The Alarani turned to them and gave an expression that was torn between a grimace and a grin, not quite enough of either to be a smile. “Not gonna lie, I was expecting it.”

Before anyone in the group thought to move, he drew his gun.

_Bang!_

Dont hit the ground in a splattering of blood, the blast having knocked her clean off her feet. The golem head fell out of her hands, landing sideways with a shocked expression.

Thog swept forwards and picked up the head, regarding the remaining spiritfolk (and Inien) coldly. “See,” he said as he stuffed it into his satchel, Kyl’il rushing to Dont’s side, “I figured they’d spend the money, so that was the primary clause of the contract… And the kid’s not actually worth all that much. But Verandeer? They’re offering a _ten million gold_ reward for him. I don’t know why these idiots didn’t turn him in.”

Kyl’il reached into her bag and quickly pulled out a plethora of healing supplies - potions, bandages, and a few special-looking pieces of pie in white boxes. The Alarani quickly reloaded the gun before pointing it at Inien, spellbook half open, who stayed uncertaintly still. “I mostly just needed someone to get me this far _inside._ ”

_Then why did you shoot Dont?!_

He shrugged. “She’s the biggest threat. If I just swiped it and ran, she’s got speed, flight, and willpower. I don’t expect you to understand my reasoning.”

 _Good, because I don’t._ They gripped their staff tightly, moving to point it slightly before Thog spoke again.

“No weapons, no magic, or I blow her head off.”

“What makes you think you can try?” Inien interjected.

“What makes you think I can’t?”

He took a few steps sideways to the door, keeping his gun trained carefully on the witch. Kier stood aside as he passed, looking uncomfortable as he did so.

The engineer glanced to the side and caught Charoth’s gaze. The spiritfolk tilted their head forward a tiny bit. Kier caught on, and nodded.

The space next to Thog’s head erupted in a flurry of flame as he was hit point-blank with a small explosive. Both hands flew to his head as he shouted out in pain, gun firing on instinct - it missed Inien, firearm already in motion by the time the bullet left the barrel. Charoth dove forward, using their staff to knock Thog off his feet. They slung the staff through the strap of his satchel, sparks dancing off it and burning the band clean through.

The Alarani glared with his one good eye, teeth grit in pain. One hand still held to his face, he rapidly tossed his gun at Charoth’s head and reached for Kier’s belt, grabbing onto the last remaining bomb.

Charoth ducked, and Kier reached for his sword, but he’d already tossed the device to the ground - as a swift slice of the blade parted the smoke, it was clear that Thog was already gone.

—

It was fairly makeshift - a pile of assorted blankets and pillows, gathered into more of a nest than a bed. Dont didn’t seem to mind as she lay within, bandages wrapped tightly around her shoulder. Groggily, she came to.

The seven of them all gathered around various spots in the bar, the nest propped up on top of one of the tables to easily keep an eye on her. Aesling made movements with her hands, the first to notice, and Charoth translated. _‘Feeling better?’_

Dont nodded wearily. “But I could always do with some more pie…”

“You ate your own weight in healing pies when you _first_ woke up! There aren’t any left!” Gregor exclaimed. “Though I tried to make one…”

“It exploded. Wrecked half my house.” Markus grumbled. “No pies.”

“Aw.”

“We did find a bottle of rum in the back,” Colvin offered.

“Nah, I’m… I’m good. Supposed to drink water. Gimme water.” He passed her a glass, which she gulped down greedily.

‘ _I still can’t believe that bastard shot you_ ,’ Aesling added. _‘If I ever see him -’ I’m not translating that._

“What do you want to do with our ten million gold?” Dont’s eyes glittered with excitement as she passed back the glass, which was immediately replaced by a new one. “I could buy so _many pies!!_ ”

Everyone exchanged uncertain glances. “Charoth cut his satchel… but Thog got away with Verandeer.” Inien muttered. “Whatever puffball says she’ll do, I’ll do five times as worse. Shot one of my coveners, pointed a gun at me…”

 _You two are more alike that you think,_ Charoth remarked mildly.

Aesling gestured more words.

_Also not translating the first part… Maybe when she’s feeling better. We already got the bullet out, but we need to make sure she doesn’t get sick or infected first._

She signed her agreement.

“As nice as it was to come over, we should probably leave so Dont can get more sleep,” Markus interjected.

Kyl’il nodded. “Feel free to keep coming over and checking on her, though.”

“We will!” Gregor chimed.

The trio - and Colvin - all raised their hands to wave, giving various forms of goodbyes, but Dont was already fast asleep.


End file.
